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Lost in this corrosive sadness

Sandcastles in the rain

(an Alzheimer's expression - for Roy)

The sun shines brighter
than it ever did before
Second devours second
and it shines brighter
than it ever did before

Your heart pounds
Confusion at the sounds
You search for peace
Behind closed eyes
But second devours second
and you cant remember why

We must replace metaphor with meaning

You wonder in the dark
We are calling your name
Losing a little daily
You can't understand our tears
or fear or shame

Lights on
and off
and on again
Lock locks,
no reason in rhyme
Anger at blank pages
Rewriting each time
you finish a line

I reach, but its too late

We must replace metaphor with meaning

But I can find no other way to explain
This blanket over your soul
Years disappear
Like sandcastles in the rain

Its been awhile...

I haven't blogged in ages and I promised myself I would, being my mind is so busy, fleeting thoughts that could be much more I know I should write them down. I had a bit of a poetry run, I find it easier sometimes, it gets across my obsession or train of thought at the time!

I started college in Sept and its been a real ride, good and bad, I struggled at first so I dumped the Prozac, flat lining was a comfort 6 months ago, but it really stumped my thought process and although I know I'm a depressive, I feel its a part of the process and if you deny a part of yourself you can lose so much more. I'm learning new techniques and meeting really interesting people, inspiration is bubbling! I still feel kind of scared of myself as an artist though, for one: what if I'm shit, I'm a wannabe not a real artist and two: I'm a bit dark and I am unsure if I want others to see that side - amongst many other self deprecating questions.

Life drawing has been a real highlight, something I've always been so scared of, but I love it, we've been working in different mediums and styles.We do keep having the same model though, he is quit an interesting guy to draw and chat to, but I long for someone with a bit more shape, a female with lots of curves and bumps, like a Jenny Saville model - anyone know someone who fancies life modelling? send them to the college, they have to be CRB checked though.

I've been plagued by illness the last few weeks, first a sinus infection and then tonsillitis, I started my radio show again, but after two shows I've been too ill...grr, I'll get it up and running again soon, a case of doing too much again, its been tough keeping on top of work and college and life, the doc and psych keep telling me to do what makes me happy above the things that bring me down - shame they don't pay the bills!

I saw the Manic street preachers last week - freaking amazing! I know I've seen them countless times, but I think the last time was back in 2002 and they didn't really seem to be enjoying it so much, well they got their bravado back, the set was outstanding and I managed to get the set list to remind me! and to top it off I met Nicky Wire, I could've wet myself...but I didn't! Ive been a fan for like 18 years, but I've always been to scared to meet them and had to run off home as I've generally seen them on my own...loner!

and lastly - but not in order, Village green was fantabulouse! There is so much amazing talent in Essex, I took loads of pics, but I suck at uploading, I will soon! I should really get involved, maybe next year, I haven't been making jewellery, too much else on my plate, saying that there are people on my course with several kids who keep on top of it all and still get creative...makes me feel a bit lame!

oh yeah and I turned 30...too quick, way to quick

A wise old fox

I have watched the heavy walls encroach
The land that once was free
Now owned
Fenced and gated
Welcome, an outdated concept.

A refugee made of the wild
We must now hide
Pride fogged
Once graceful, cunning
Reduced to rubbish bag cowardice

'Survival of the fittest'
Over used by the weak
Strength only in guns
Starved jaws of our cousins
and media propaganda
Wiping hands from afar

I go running in the night
Echos reverberate
The dark so embracive
How I long for human accountability
Freeing the innocent from shame

Shame for living
In a land we once roamed
The Monarchy of OUR countryside
As mother earth intended
Before Man crowned themselves

My Cat

Velveteen black
Worn with pride
Sleek, graceful
Lion like stride

Snow tipped mountain paws
Cushiony love lorn
Set to fool
Hiding deathly claws

Eyes poetic sea green
Look deep
Treasures lure
Pearls like never seen before

Stretching nose to tail
Ostentatious yawn
All passing take care
Ear's twitching
Even sleeping he is aware

Despite the danger persona
Quite mews part lips
Whiskers tickle
And tongue catches tears
When needed

A sickie

I wander the winding streets and hills
The longest route
Every second of the estuary breeze
A moment to adore

Destination platform
What a bore
I peer over the wall
To see canines galloping
Mouths agape
Tongues flapping
Seagulls tread cautiously back
If you listen hard
Water trickles in to the newly vacated mud flats

My Train pulls in
The 8:08
I let it pass
Like a school girl ditchin' class
I check to see who's watching

Oh but that pebbled shore too much to ignore
Paled brown strangely reassuring
I find myself at the tides edge
Waves ebb in licking my feet
Another train another deadline, dead
Time now distant
In awe of the comfort this scene can give

The sound of laughter fills the salty air
A family of smiles sets out blankets
Ice cold flasks
Their little mongrel chasing seagulls
Off they fly and caw in knowing the silence wouldn't last

The sun grows hotter
Deep breaths circling the pleasure
in the banality
Why would anyone want more than this?

I reluctantly rise
Knowing I am less surrounded in dreams
more... responsibility
But the little mongrel licks my hand
And it is confirmed
Today, this is the place I should be

Bipolar

I don't do minimal
In anyway
In anything

Don't try and trick me with subliminal
I am all or nothing
Nothing and everything

When you need to bleed
There's no point in faking it
I lay out my heart
They don't know how to take it

So they attempt to sedate me
I know what their doing
drip feeding me lies
'It will be alright'

Take another pill
Give up the fight
Dumb down the hate in me
But without hate there is no love

I stand by the truth
Those with no love
Come with no reason or rhyme
For those with no love
I ain't got the time