Bipolar

I don't do minimal
In anyway
In anything

Don't try and trick me with subliminal
I am all or nothing
Nothing and everything

When you need to bleed
There's no point in faking it
I lay out my heart
They don't know how to take it

So they attempt to sedate me
I know what their doing
drip feeding me lies
'It will be alright'

Take another pill
Give up the fight
Dumb down the hate in me
But without hate there is no love

I stand by the truth
Those with no love
Come with no reason or rhyme
For those with no love
I ain't got the time

False hope

My shoulders are weak
I admit it
pride defeated
collapsed and broken in the heat

He said it was OK
wiped my brow
covered my pain with a blanket
Carry on without the worry
free of anxiety

Never has the weight been lifted before
The feeling an anomaly I could learn to adore
29 years ready to give in
But he said carry on
And I believed he'd be there to hold me up

What a fool
The crutch was made of wood
It splinters in spite
Tares up the hope
Like God did before
It will leave you when bored

To Mother

I close my eyes

Clinging to the memories

The warm scent lingers

The inviting glow draws me in.

Musky tobacco

Heady floral hues

Tangled like the smoke from your joint

I'd nestle under your rising arm

Seeking security, confirmation.

Breathing in happiness

I was in awe of you

You were forgetful

Pretty

Fun

Smiles and laughter.

We spent weekends in the dark

The electric meter whirring out of credit as the shops closed

Lights replaced with candles

Camped by the gas fire

Singing The Beatles on your battered acoustic guitar.

The cupboards were normally empty

Powdered milk

Stale crackers

And those little silver cake decorating balls

We shopped for fun

Dancing down the isles

Food an afterthought.

You let us sit up all night

We watched the moon

Took the dog for midnight walks

And planned our lives as 'miwlonaires'

Put the world to rights

With ditty’s and rhyme.

If only I could freeze time

Just there forever

But you let life suck you in

And away from me

Old enough to go it alone

You found other projects to defend

But they only knew how to take.

So I sat up late

Waiting for the door to click

To know you were safe

For your cigarette smoke to wind up the stairs

And ease me into a slumber

The sound of the kettle rising to its boil.

It only got later and later

Your eyes grew wider

Wider

I'd take your glasses off

So as not to hurt your face

As you slid into your pillow.

I'd creep downstairs

Lock the doors

Put your shoes safely away

Cover you over on my journey back to bed

Turn out your light

Careful to not disturb.

I'd think over all the good times

And eventually join you in sleep

Only to be woken a few hours later

You'd dance down the hallway

Turn the stereo up

Unaware of my nightly ritual

Why I was so grumpy in the morning

But it wouldn't last for long

I just can't stay angry at you.

Many years have passed

I tried to run away

As much as I love you

You are also my downfall

No matter how far I am

The cycle continues,

Drawing me in with your infectious laugh

And quirky habits.

While others walk all over you

I am walking behind you

Ready to catch

As fools fail to see greatness

I just wished you’d notice

The walls

The closer they call
The more imperfections reveal
Spider line cracks creep
Parting trust over time
Mildew spotting virgin white

Unearthly cold
No comparison to the room
Envelopes like an old friend
When blood is raging

Clammy skin clings for life
Never to leave
This man made safety
A fort created
To house our secret selves

Publicly unforgivable
Privately inexplicable